byronstarr

Latest Abbyism

2009-12-02T04:22:34Z

I need this kind of Holiday Spirit -

As a christmas decoration, I changed the regular lightbulb in Abby's room for a green one. When she came home from school and saw this she clasped her hands together and said, "This is going to be the best Christmas ever!"

Tiger Woods press conference, LOL

2009-12-01T20:53:20Z

Okay, that was hilarious. I hope I'm not the only person who got to see the Florida Highway Department's press conference on the Tiger Woods car crash. In a nut shell, they held a press conference to announce that they will not be holding press conferences. Oh there was a lot of wordage, like the chubby little FHD major's explanation on the importance of safe driving, but that is essentually what was said.

Come on, people. Leave Tiger alone.

The secret to landing a major publisher - get a job at CNN

2009-12-01T19:13:55Z

Has anyone else noticed that every-freaking-body who works in television news has a book out? Now Al Roker has a book on the shelves. That's right, the weatherman. Granted he's a pleasant face with a knack for pointing out those pesky low pressure fronts, but does that really make him a writer? Okay, let's just say for the sake of arguement that he is a good writer, does that mean he should get an interview in Time Magazine as soon as his first book hits the shelves? You know, I love writing, but I sure wish we could go back to when it was about . . . well . . . writing.

redneck in the big city

2009-11-24T23:12:35Z

Went to Shreveport with Shelly (and no kids!) for two nights. I lost my ass at blackjack, but had a ball. I also realized why they gave us free rooms; we more than paid for them out of our losses. Funny thing is I got drunk in the big city, but I really didn't do anything overly redneckish. Nothing worth chroniclizing anyway. I did however discover that twelve hours of "Grand Theft Auto IV" is insufficient preparation for big city driving, but it is more accurate that driver's ed.

Lou Dobbs going to FoxNews - Nooooooooo

2009-11-22T16:03:10Z

I like Lou Dobbs. I disagree on a some issues, especially immigration, but even when I disagree I like the fact that he puts his points forward in a very intelligent manner, and I also like the fact that he speaks more or less form the center-right. Now he's no longer with CNN and he's headed to FoxNews. If the was ever a sign of America's over-polarization, this is it. What's funny is what how everyone in ADD America will immediately start pointing at him as one of the right wing loonies, forgetting his anti-Bush stance during the Republican years.

I swear, the last time America saw this much polarization the disagreement was over slavery.

Anti-PC Rant!

2009-11-17T20:02:05Z

After logging off from my last post I decided to make good on my promise to locate Valerie Hobbs and in some why thank her for writing a book that has become so important to my daughter (and therefore to me). I decided to look up the book on Amazon and write my first Amazon review. There were six reviews already for the book. Five were 5 star reviews and the latest one was a 2 star review . . . do what? 2 stars? I read the review and was beside myself. here's the review -

http://www.amazon.com/review/R1A2AUBVPD4TK1/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R1A2AUBVPD4TK1

I think her review and my response says it all.

There isn't a single thing politically incorrect about "Sheep". Nothing. Yes some of the female characters are less than perfect, but, my God, it's written from the POV of a starving dog; if all female characters showed up in their Wonder Woman getup, throwing steaks and doggie treats to hungry animals, we wouldn't have much of a book - even if we did keep the seriously evil characters in the book (all of which are men, btw).

Simply put, this is the radical type of feminism that gives feminists a bad name. And it REALLY chaps my ass that it caused a bad review for an excellent book.

Reading to Abby!

2009-11-17T18:41:07Z

We've moved from picture books to real mid-level books with chapters and no pictures. The first book was "Sheep" by Valery Hobbs (it's about a Border Collie). Abby was reluctant at first, she looked the book over and said she wasn't interested. I read the first chapter anyway while she pretended not to like it; she covered her ears and everything. It was easy to tell she was pretending since when I finished chapter one she looked at me and said, "What!?" She wasn't used to a chapter ending and it blew her mind that our reading didn't conclude the plot. After that Abby actually requests that I read a chapter out of the book every night - she even sleeps with the book. Last night she wasn't feeling well and the only way I managed to get her to go ahead and go to bed early was by promising to read two chapters. She fell asleep though, so we're still on chapter 4.

I plan on locating a site/webpage/email for Valery Hobbs and telling her about Abby's reaction since I can't think of a better compliment than having a 5 year-old sleep with your book.

Major Book Signing Coming in February!

2009-11-12T20:04:35Z

HA! YES! HOO-YAH!

I just set up a book signing at a Borders in Webster! I did it all by myself. Didn't have to get someone else to call them, or have someone hold my hand while I dialed the number. Wow this is great.

(anyone see the irony in the fact that I've had four books published and this is the first time I've gotten off my ass and set up a real book signing? If so, keep it to yourself and let me enjoy my moment of personal triumph)

Me, Ory, and Metal Gear

2009-11-11T00:34:11Z

Once upon a time I used to be good at video games. In high school I had one of them hot Intelivision game system. That's right, no Atari for me. Well, my buddy Ory bought an Xbox and we played two players this afternoon. Bless his heart, the boy has the patience of a saint. If you could have overheard this is what you would have heard Ory saying,

". . . No really, you're doing pretty good. Okay now cover me. No me, cover me. Don't shoot me; cover me or they'll get me. Okay, they got me. Just move over to me and press the X button. Move to your right. No, your other right. Okay, now left. Now Right. Stop! See that bloody mass at your feet. Yes, the one you keep shooting. Okay, press the X button and it will heal me. That's the B button. That's the A button. That's redial on you cell phone. There. Now cover me so they won't get me. Okay, they got me. Move over to me. No, don't shoot me . . . "

- then, thirty minutes later -

". . . no, really, you're doing pretty good . . . "

first major book signing

2009-11-09T19:30:51Z

well, it went okay. I sold a decent amount of books. Mostly, however, I learned what to do next time I have a real book signing. And I may have one in the works for February, also in Kemah, but this time at a major book store.

Gone to Houston/Getting back into Livejournal

2009-11-04T14:45:03Z

I'll be in Houston for the next five days or so. Stuck on a boat with no net access (but possibly stuck in a great writing atmosphere - even if I will have to go back to pencil and notebook). Of course, I've been so hit and miss on livejournal that my absence it might not even be noticed. However, I do plan on becoming more active again. I just can't get used to facebook - I know so many people there (2 Hemphillians on Livejournal vs about 300 on facebook) - but i'm not fond of the setup.

by the way, if you know me on facebook, you may think I'm actually logged in a lot there. Truth is, my buddy ory has me hooked on "Viking Clan" so I just jump over raid a few clans and hardly even read anything. I am, however, planning on becoming a little more active there as well. There's a lot of locals on facebook.

I (heart) guns

2009-11-03T02:15:07Z

Just when you thought I was leaning left

Yeah, can't stand Limbaugh, but, dead or not, I'm still down with Heston.

my morning concussion

2009-11-02T15:23:51Z

I don't sit, I flop. The expression "jump in bed" is not really an expression for me since my feet really do leave the ground before I touch the mattress. Anyway, this morning I went into the living room before work and flopped down onto the couch, forgetting that the couch had been moved back out of the way (we're redoing our floor) and that the counter to the bar now jutted out over the back of the couch.

- WHAM! -

I reached back and felt blood. I make my living with the circulatory system so I know that the scalp is full of capillaries, but for there to be enough blood through my thick hair to cause a bloody hand right after I receive the blow I figured I was emergency room bound - time for stitches. However, I stopped by the funeral home and had my dad look at it first (he was a paramedic back in the day). He said the cut was deep but not long; it would probably bleed for a while, but stitches weren't necessary. So now I'm sitting in the monument shop computer room with an ice pack on my head, feeling rather stupid and somewhat lightheaded. And I'm such a damn hypochondriac, I guarantee I'll be looking up reports on that freak concussion that killed Liam Nealson's wife before I go to bed tonight. I'm just glad I didn't have to get stitches. I've got that big book signing this weekend and I'd hate to do it with half my head shaved. It'd be okay if I was going for my horror books - I'd just shave the rest of my head and go with the look - but this one is for 'Finding Heroes' so I have to look professional.

Anyway, I'll let you go so I can get back to bleeding.

remote control car?

2009-10-14T15:56:35Z

I've decided to buy a remote control car - I figure I can chase the dogs and the kids, teach it to fetch beer etc.

Here's the problem - apparently buying a remote control car is even more complicated than buying a real one. Anyone know anything about remote control cars? I don't want a nitrous one since I'm not mechanically inclined I'd have to travel about a hundred miles to get it worked on if something went wrong with it. I'm also on a 'buy american' kick, although I'll send my money to any country that has similar labor laws (no chinese sweat shops - so Walmart's out).

latest Abbyism

2009-10-14T14:37:37Z

Abby reads to me at nighttime now. Her favorite book (this week) is "Don't let the Pidgeon Drive the Bus." It's a pretty good book in which a cutely animated pidgeon attempts to talk the reader into letting it drive a bus. Abby insists the pidgeon is talking to me, not her. Her reasoning? - if it was up to her she would let the pidgeon drive the bus.

Pictures of the kids (maybe this'll work)

2009-10-09T15:01:38Z

http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/home.php?ref=logo

pictures of the kids and pineland day

2009-10-07T18:19:39Z

sandy has some excellent pictures of my kids (and her older kids) on her facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/sandy.perkins?ref=nf

Pineland Day

2009-10-05T14:15:12Z

I drove Ashton in the Pineland Day Parade Saturday - she was one of the pineland day sweethearts. It was nice, and weird. Abby sat in the front seat with me, and Ashton sat on the top-rear of Dad's vet. I couldn't help but think of the irony of the fact that I knew Ashton when she was Abby's age. And since I don't have siblings, Ashton is pretty much my niece. She's all grown up now. Abby fell asleep on the ride home. I felt grown up. And happy.

Texas High School Football

2009-10-03T11:52:07Z

At last night's game I did a little counting. We have 9 coaches on the sidelines and 4 in the press box . . . our football team only has 21 players. So much for my tax dollars.

apparently my book is out

2009-09-22T18:51:14Z

huh? My latest novel is available at Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Doppelganger-Byron-Starr/dp/0980133866/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253644966&sr=1-6

I didn't even know it was out. Go figure.

Public Option - I'm for it!(?)

2009-09-21T13:41:52Z

I've decided I like Obama's public option.

Here's the reason (and the irony) - right now the system we have is actually about as socialist as you can get. That's right, I said the system we have right now. Outragous prices and government regulations make it so that you simply have to have insurance, and the companies control the prices, they control what doctors you can use, what treatments are allowed. In truth, what we have now is no longer really insurance - it's more of a wealth distribution system. There's no risk involved. If they lose money on one account, they simply jack up the prices on others. Case and point - in the wake of the Katrina Hurricane disaster Texas Insurance companies posted their highest yearly margin of profit ever. Lets see, the companies take money from us, they make our decisions, we can't vote them out of office . . . yeah, all we need to do is give insurance salesmen the right to throw is in the gulag and we're beyond socialist, we're downright Stalinist.

Now, before any liberal readers start celebrating, don't expect me to don a red berret and join you on the far left any time soon. So far I like the public option, but I fully understand the fears of the right - 'oh, crap; here comes the liberal left with another public grab bag.' Truth is, this will only work if it is run like a company. Insurance companies make a mint so it would be stupid as hell to create a government competitor that didn't do so as well. But, given the left's track record, in about ten years there's a good chance the public option will be paying for panhandlers' penis enlargements at our expense.

And while I'm attacking the left I must also say that the recent attempt to label the Tea Parties as racist was about the stupidest use of the race card I've ever heard of. Come on, is it just a knee-jerk reaction now? 'We don't understand! Quick, someone throw the race card!'

Yes lefties, you have a good idea this time, but let's not blow it by behaving like . . . well . . . like liberals. Insurance is a business problem. Business is rationality, not ideology. You're going to actually have to use both sides of your brain to make this one work.

Sasha update

2009-09-09T13:25:51Z

Yesterday I took Sasha to get her shots. Dr. Rach said he believes she's mostly, if not all, Border Collie; and about 5 to 6 months old. She weighs 20 pounds.

She shares the yard with Missy and they get along. Poor Missy will have to alter her eating habits though. She's one of those rare (very rare for a retriever) dogs who is a bit of a dainty eater. She has to smell everything two or three times, lick a little, check your hands for better options, then finally eat (I've actually seen her go through this routine with a steak). Sasha on the other hand is like one of those cartoon dogs that eats an entire roast chicken in one bite, transforming her body into the shape of the chicken. Yep, Missy will have to adapt or starve. Also, Missy doesn't drink a lot of water (something that has actually bothered me from time to time) so I never have had to watch her water bowl. Sasha, on the other hand, plays in the water bowls so now I have to fill it three or four times a day.

Sandy, on the other hand, does not like Sasha. Poor deaf, blind old girl, she catches a wiff of her and starts barking, often in the wrong direction. I can just see an old grandmaw shaking her cane, saying "Get off my lawn!" This morning Sandy saw Sasha in the window (Sandy's not completely blind and they were literally within five feet of each other, just separated by glass) and she started barking. Sasha jumped to attention, and ran to the edge of the porch and looked around, trying to figure out what Sandy was barking at.

Sandy - Hey! Strange dog in the yard! Go on! Get out of here!
Sasha - Strange dog? (runs to the edge of the porch) Where?

The Single Most Politically Incorrect Thing I've Ever Done

2009-09-08T12:57:38Z

This old story came up this weekend and I figured I'd share. It's horrible and funny.

Back when I made my glorious attempt at college, one and a half semesters in which my blood/alcohol level never once dropped below my GPA, a couple of friends of mine (Kevin Impson and Mel Cordray, also from Hemphill) made a long-range water balloon launcher. It consisted of surgical tubing formed into a circle with a net in the middle. Two people held each side of the loop while another person placed the water balloon in the middle and pulled back as hard as they could then let it go. When we launched this baby it had a range of about 300 yards - seriously, it was bad to the bone. We could only fill the water balloons up to about one-quarter capacity or they would burst when we launched them. and then when they were flying throught he air they moved so fast that they turned into elongated torpedoes. Anyway, we spent a drunken afternoon launching waterballoons from old military dorn parking lot at Stephen F Austiin, across the library parking lot, toward people going in and out of the library. Our Big Bertha was so inaccurate we did good to hit the library, much less the people; still, we tried. Only two or three times did we even get close enough to make someone look up as if they were trying to find a rain cloud. Later that night our targets of opportunity dwindled, but we water-balloon snipers stayed alert and kept trying. At one point a crippled kid walking on metal arm crutches made his way across the back of the library. It was Mel's turn to shoot, but he said he was going to let the crippled boy pass. I commented, "Oh, come on. It's not like we ever hit anything." After a short discussion I finally said, "Hell, I'll do it." Everybody laughed and one of our friends from a neighboring dorm room just happen to make the comment, "Wouldn't it be funny if y'all actually hit him?" Well, I took aim, pulled back and let her rip. I swear to you, right after I let go I said, "Oh hell." Usually the balloon jerked a little, someone made you laugh, or someone holding the sides moved, but this one was perfect and I knew it was going to be close. We watched the ballon-turned-torpedo arc high into the sky then come down like a bullet. Everyone could tell it was right on target.

We hadn't landed within thirty feet of anyone after a day and a half of trying and this one shot nailed the poor kid - it actually hit him. His feet flew in the air and metal crutches went flying. We fled to the dorms and pretended to be asleep. The campus police actually performed room to room searches but they didn't catch us.

New Family Member

2009-09-05T21:57:53Z

At the end of the graveside this afternoon a poor pitiful puppy wandered up. Bless her heart, she probably wouldn't have lived but another day , maybe two. She had the sweetest disposition, so me and Mark, the gravedigger, decided one of us had to take her home. I was in the hearse, so we were leaning toward him taking her - dad would kill me for giving the hearse fleas. However, Mark already has five dogs at home, so I ended up taking her. So far so good. She's one of those 'sweet but too timid to play' types that just likes to lay there so you can pet them - not what I'm used to, but Abby loves it. She's a mutt, but she looks like she has a healthy dose of either Border Collie or Australian Shepherd in her. We told Abby we were just keeping her until we find her a home, but we've named her(Sasha) so I have a feeling she's here to stay.

Romeo and Juliet - in redneck

2009-09-02T17:03:02Z

Romeo and Juliet

Act II, Scene II

Line for line translation into Redneck by Byron Starr

Romeo – Woo, yeah. Is that Juliet I see over there on that porch?

She’s hot as hell.

Hope she comes on out so I can take a gander at her.

She sure is purdy.

Purdy as a speckled pup.

Even Purdier, I reckon.

She’s a-wearin’ a green night gown.

I sure wish she’d take it off.

She’s saying somethin’, but I can’t hear her – Speak up!

I think she’s a-starin’ at me now. I’m gonna stare back.

Naw, that’s just wishful thinkin’. she’s ain’t a-starin at me.

She sure does have some purdy eyes, though.

Hell, even her cheeks are purdy.

I like her eyes best though. They real purdy.

Wish I could touch her.

Juliet – Aw, heck.

Romeo – Aw hell, she’s a-talkin’ to me now.

I’m happy as a pig in shit.

I done died and gone to heaven.

No, wait. I think she’s just talkin’ to herself.

Juliet – Aw, Romeo. I sure do wish he was here.

But his daddy don’t like mine.

To hell with them. I wish he was here anyhow.

Romeo (aside) – I don’t right know if I should stay and listen or maybe say something.

Reckon she’ll call the cops?

Juliet – It’s kinda stupid, really; our daddies not getting along.

I mean , what’s the big deal.

It ain’t like a feud’s that all-fired important.

I wish he’d change his name. Smith or Jones or something.

Yeah, if he’d just change his name, then I’d sleep with him.

Romeo – Yo! I’m up for that!

You can call me whatever you want to.

I ain’t even sure my name is Romeo.

Juliet – What the hell? Are you stalking me?

Romeo – Uh, well, you just said I ain’t Romeo.

I don’t even like that name,

‘cause you don’t like it.

If I wrote it down. I’d tear up the paper.

Juliet – I can’t see you, but you sound familiar.

You sure you ain’t Romeo?

Romeo – I ain’t if you don’t like him.

Juliet – Bullshit. That’s you.

How the hell did you get here?

You know my daddy would kick your ass if he knowed you was here.

Romeo – that’s your ass.

It’s a free country.

If I want to see you, rest assured I will.

Ain’t nothin’ your daddy can do about it.

Juliet – No, really, he’ll kick your ass.

Romeo – I ain’t scared.

Let him kick my ass.

It’s worth it just to look at you.

Juliet – But I don’t want him to kick your ass.

Romeo – Well, I got me a pretty good hiding’ spot.

And even if he does kick my ass it would be worth it.

Hell, let him kill me. I’d rather die than not see you.

Juliet – How did you find my house, anyway?

Romeo – Oh, I wanted to see you so bad that I just kept a looking till I found it.

Juliet – Now you’ve got me all blushing.

You caught me talkin’ to myself.

I was wondering if you loved me, but I ain’t sure your tellin’ the truth.

You might be a-pullin my leg.

And that would break my heart.

(unfinished)