Wow. I haven't posted here in forever. I've pretty much moved to facebook. Anyway, I was going through my old files and found this tongue-in-cheek "Chapel Service Scheduler" I had cooked up for the funeral industry.

Chapel Service Scheduler
The length of a chapel service from the time the preacher stands up to the last amen. Does not include passing the family by the casket, the funeral procession, or the graveside service.

Base:
1 Preacher: 17 minutes
2 Preachers: 20 minutes
3 Preachers: 25 minutes
4 Preachers: 30 minutes

Songs:
1 Song: 0
2 Songs: +4 minutes
3 Songs: +6 minutes
4 Songs: +9 minutes
5 Songs: +12 minutes
(add 3 minutes for each song over six)
(add 10 minutes for “Freebird”)

Preacher modifiers:
If the preacher delivering the message is under 35 years old: +3 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message is over 80 years old: +8 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message in senile: +21 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message is new to his church: +5 minutes (If the previous preacher at this church was at least 20 years older than the new preacher add an additional 3 minutes)
If the preacher reading the obit is 30 years older than the preacher delivering the message: +5 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message has a church service later in the afternoon: -6 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message is from out of town (at least 85 miles) and the service is in the afternoon: -5 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message ties the music into the message (by design): +1 minute
If the preacher delivering the message ties the music into the message (accidentally): +4 minutes
If any other preacher has a church service later in the afternoon: -1 minute
If any other preacher is from out of town (at least 100 miles) and the service is in the afternoon: -1 minutes
If any preacher is related to the family: +3 minutes (+2 minute for each additional preaching relative)
If preacher delivering the message went to high school with the deceased: +1 minutes
If obit reader went to high school with the deceased: +7 minutes
If obit reader isn’t a preacher (not nervous): +4 minutes
If obit reader isn’t a preacher (nervous): -1 minute
If there is only one preacher and that preacher leaves someone out while reading the obit: +4 minutes
If the preacher and the singer are related: -1 minute
If the preacher delivering the message gets an “a-men” from the crowd: +3 minutes
If the preacher delivering the message gets an “a-men” from another preacher: +5 minutes
If the preacher reading the obit gets an “A-men” from the main preacher: +9 minutes
If any preacher gets an “a-men” from the funeral director: -10 minutes
If any preacher is an excited youth minister from Houston: +34 minutes
If an excited youth minister from Houston gets an “A-men”: +47 minutes
If the family (or most of the congregation) are members at the church where the main preacher preaches: +1 minute
If the family (or most of the congregation) are members of a church where the main preacher used to preach: +2 minutes
If the family (or most of the congregation) are members of a church where the main preacher used to preach and he left on bad terms: +7 minutes
Afternoon service in the summer or winter (not fall or spring): +1 minute
Morning service when a lunch has been planned by the church for the family: -3 minutes
Morning service when a lunch has been planned by the church for the family (if preacher is overweight): -8 minutes
If any preacher’s hair is “perfect”: +3 minutes (+2 minutes for each additional well-groomed preacher)
If the main preacher is bald: -1 minute
If any preacher is intoxicated (yes, this has happened): +9 minutes
If someone is filming the funeral: +3 minutes (+12 if main preacher has perfect hair)
Each time a preacher pounds the podium: +1 minute

Family speakers
Son: +4 minutes
Daughter: +3 minutes
Grandson: +4 minutes
Granddaughter: +7 minutes
Niece: +15 minutes
Other: +3 minutes
(+2 if speaker is a deacon, +4 if a song leader at a church, -2 if speaker is crying, +5 if speaker is wailing)


Family modifiers:
No surviving spouse: -2 minutes
If family is divided: +2 minutes
If family is divided and different sides picked different preachers: +7 minutes
If family requested a short service: -5 minutes
Funeral Director requested a short service and preacher is under 35 years old: -7 minutes
Funeral Director requested short service and preacher is between 35 and 80: -2 minutes
Funeral Director requested a short service and preacher is over 80 years old: +4 minutes
If funeral director jokes about wanting a short service: +2 minutes
If there is a preacher in the family who is not preaching in the service: +3 minutes
Family member singing: +1 minute (in addition to songs as above)
If there are attractive daughters or granddaughters in the family: +4 minutes (only +2 if main preacher’s wife is present)


Deceased modifiers:
If deceased didn’t go to church: +3 minutes
If deceased did go to church, but not the main preacher’s church: +2 minutes
If deceased was a deacon: +5 minutes
If deceased was a preacher: +3 minutes
If deceased was a convict: +4 minutes
If deceased died tragically: +5 minutes
If deceased’s name is hard to pronounce: +1 minute
If deceased had a nickname: +1 minute
If deceased had an odd nickname: +2 minutes


Surprises:
If someone enters the chapel with a string instrument: +3 minutes
If the preacher enters the chapel with a string instrument: +4 minutes
If anyone enters the chapel with a non-string musical instrument: +6 minutes
If a long lost relative shows up: +2 minutes
If a long lost ex-spouse shows up: -1 minute


Odd observations (I don’t understand all of these, but watch and see if I’m not right)
If there is special seating for some organization: +2 minutes
If there are special flower stands that depict a craft, trade, or hobby (like fishing, etc): +2 minutes
If next of kin is obese: +1 minute
If husband died and widow is not the mother of the children: +2 minutes
If wife died and widower is not the father of the children: -1 minute
Family serves as pallbearers: +1 minute
If the family didn’t pay for the funeral: +3 minutes
If any family member has a tongue ring: +1 minute


Misc:
Masonic Service in Chapel: +13 minutes
VFW in Chapel: +9 minutes
Preacher opens microphone to public: +4 minutes for first speaker, +2 for everyone after that.

Tags: funeral business

Okay, for years we've had this local advertisement out of Longview for this lawyer whose trademark is this ridiculous hat - it's some sort of leather fedora that is too small for his head. In every commercial he tops off a rather nice suit with this odd, poorly-fitted, headgear and exclaims, "You can trust the man in the hat!" Seriously folks, I don't want a lawyer who can't dress himself. I'm a far cry from a clothing expert, but I know enough to realize that this hat looks stupid as hell. Why doesn't he just cut to the chase and go with a beanie; you know, the kind that has a propeller? Seriously, why is this man wearing a stupid hat for a commercial? What is his target audience? Has anyone actually thought "well, I was thinking of hiring that successful lawyer out of Dallas, but, what the hell, I think I'll take the moron in the poor excuse for an Indian Jones hat." If it was a cowboy hat it would at least make sense. Yes, it would still look stupid, but, since this is Texas, a cowboy hat would at least fit a theme. But no, lets go with a tiny brown fedora.

This morning I saw a commercial on CNN where this nicely dressed lady was talking about her law firm. Her hair looked like a colony of rats had spent the night building a nest in it. It made me wonder if she wasn't somehow angling for the same market niche - people who are looking for lawyers with screwed up heads.

Seriously, what is the deal? I have a friend who went through law school a few years back - they aren't giving those degrees away on the back of cereal boxes. You have to be pretty damn sharp to get a degree in law. Maybe I'm missing something.

I need this kind of Holiday Spirit -

As a christmas decoration, I changed the regular lightbulb in Abby's room for a green one. When she came home from school and saw this she clasped her hands together and said, "This is going to be the best Christmas ever!"

Tags: abby

Okay, that was hilarious. I hope I'm not the only person who got to see the Florida Highway Department's press conference on the Tiger Woods car crash. In a nut shell, they held a press conference to announce that they will not be holding press conferences. Oh there was a lot of wordage, like the chubby little FHD major's explanation on the importance of safe driving, but that is essentually what was said.

Come on, people. Leave Tiger alone.

Has anyone else noticed that every-freaking-body who works in television news has a book out? Now Al Roker has a book on the shelves. That's right, the weatherman. Granted he's a pleasant face with a knack for pointing out those pesky low pressure fronts, but does that really make him a writer? Okay, let's just say for the sake of arguement that he is a good writer, does that mean he should get an interview in Time Magazine as soon as his first book hits the shelves? You know, I love writing, but I sure wish we could go back to when it was about . . . well . . . writing.

Tags: writing

Went to Shreveport with Shelly (and no kids!) for two nights. I lost my ass at blackjack, but had a ball. I also realized why they gave us free rooms; we more than paid for them out of our losses. Funny thing is I got drunk in the big city, but I really didn't do anything overly redneckish. Nothing worth chroniclizing anyway. I did however discover that twelve hours of "Grand Theft Auto IV" is insufficient preparation for big city driving, but it is more accurate that driver's ed.

Tags: gambling

I like Lou Dobbs. I disagree on a some issues, especially immigration, but even when I disagree I like the fact that he puts his points forward in a very intelligent manner, and I also like the fact that he speaks more or less form the center-right. Now he's no longer with CNN and he's headed to FoxNews. If the was ever a sign of America's over-polarization, this is it. What's funny is what how everyone in ADD America will immediately start pointing at him as one of the right wing loonies, forgetting his anti-Bush stance during the Republican years.

I swear, the last time America saw this much polarization the disagreement was over slavery.

After logging off from my last post I decided to make good on my promise to locate Valerie Hobbs and in some why thank her for writing a book that has become so important to my daughter (and therefore to me). I decided to look up the book on Amazon and write my first Amazon review. There were six reviews already for the book. Five were 5 star reviews and the latest one was a 2 star review . . . do what? 2 stars? I read the review and was beside myself. here's the review -

http://www.amazon.com/review/R1A2AUBVPD4TK1/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R1A2AUBVPD4TK1

I think her review and my response says it all.

There isn't a single thing politically incorrect about "Sheep". Nothing. Yes some of the female characters are less than perfect, but, my God, it's written from the POV of a starving dog; if all female characters showed up in their Wonder Woman getup, throwing steaks and doggie treats to hungry animals, we wouldn't have much of a book - even if we did keep the seriously evil characters in the book (all of which are men, btw).

Simply put, this is the radical type of feminism that gives feminists a bad name. And it REALLY chaps my ass that it caused a bad review for an excellent book.

We've moved from picture books to real mid-level books with chapters and no pictures. The first book was "Sheep" by Valery Hobbs (it's about a Border Collie). Abby was reluctant at first, she looked the book over and said she wasn't interested. I read the first chapter anyway while she pretended not to like it; she covered her ears and everything. It was easy to tell she was pretending since when I finished chapter one she looked at me and said, "What!?" She wasn't used to a chapter ending and it blew her mind that our reading didn't conclude the plot. After that Abby actually requests that I read a chapter out of the book every night - she even sleeps with the book. Last night she wasn't feeling well and the only way I managed to get her to go ahead and go to bed early was by promising to read two chapters. She fell asleep though, so we're still on chapter 4.

I plan on locating a site/webpage/email for Valery Hobbs and telling her about Abby's reaction since I can't think of a better compliment than having a 5 year-old sleep with your book.

Tags: abby, writing

HA! YES! HOO-YAH!

I just set up a book signing at a Borders in Webster! I did it all by myself. Didn't have to get someone else to call them, or have someone hold my hand while I dialed the number. Wow this is great.

(anyone see the irony in the fact that I've had four books published and this is the first time I've gotten off my ass and set up a real book signing? If so, keep it to yourself and let me enjoy my moment of personal triumph)